Tegan and Sara

They make me want to dance around my room, in a tshirt and boy short undies, holding a hairbrush as my mic.

Like in the movies.




More times than not, I feel like my life could often be made into a movie. But doesn't everyone feel that way at some point? Then other times I feel like I am in a Soap Opera, there will be so much drama.


I never know truly how I am feeling. I will feel abandoned, left out, like a stranger, frustrated, and so many other things. And then, someone will say the right things, and I'll forget that I was feeling that way only moments before. How is that a bad thing, you might wonder. It's a bad thing, because it makes me question every single feeling I have. Wondering if I'm being reasonable, or throwing everything out of proportion.

I'm aching to have my own car, I want the freedom of it back. Not that I don't come and go as I please already, but with my own car, I can control exactly when I come and go. If I'm feeling trapped, I don't have to await someone else's rescue plan. I can just grab my keys and hit the road.

Next ache? My own place. I want a place that I can call home. My home. Where I don't have to feel like a stranger, or walk around on eggshells. I can leave my things around my room and not worry about them getting thrown away, or broken, or chewed on, or lost. I can watch whatever I want on TV and not worry about scaring children. I can play my music and dance around whenever I want.

I can lock my doors, shut off the lights, and go to sleep with a smile on my face, and happiness in my heart over finally finding home.






I want to look in his eyes, and have him tell me what I am to him.
I want to see him looking at me in the way he does every time we're alone, and have him tell me that he needs me too.
I want him to let me in for a change, instead of keeping me at bay.
I want him to realize I'm not going to do whatever she did to him.





I don't want someone else to disappear from my life forever.
I want to understand why he says I'm worth fighting for.
I want the movie scene in my head to play out exactly the way I imagine it to play out.


But it won't.

I'm tired.

So tired. In so many ways.


I'm tired of how things are going at work. Right now the only person I am not frustrated with is Brian. I'm filling out my resignation papers today I think. I have the rest of next week, and then I think I might do one more week and that will be it.


And I'm tired with my mother. She's already slipped back into her old ways. It hurts me. I put myself out there yet again for her, and this is what I get. The same thing I always get. Disappointment and frustration.


I'm tired of how things at Lorri and Gary's are going. I feel like a stranger here lately.




But I'm not tired with how things are with Mike. : ]



<3

What a day already.

I broke a boy's heart this morning.

Right after I cried on the phone to Corporate about my job, and realized my entire company doesn't give a shit.






...I want to go back to 7:00 this morning, where I was snuggled in bed with Mike. He was the ladle, and I was the little "big" spoon. He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer, tangled our legs the way I love, put his hand on my waist, and leaned his head against mine. All I could do was smile. He brought me home at 8, and I got cute faces for his kiss on the cheek, and a look of "Why does the day have to start already?" from him before I left.



I couldn't have been more content.


Then Corporate calls to try and work something out with me so that I stay with Dependable Cleaners. [Which, I am not.]

And then I decided to be honest with Knox about Mike, and I wound up feeling even more miserable for breaking a heart that was bound to be broken anyways.



And NOW, I have to go into work for the next 6 1/2 hours. That is the last place I would like to be today.





So like I said before.. can't I go back to 7:00 this morning? And just stay there?

Beautiful.

I'm not sure which person wrote this poem, but it's simply beautiful, and I have to share it.

A Dream Transcendental

Saturday morning, eleven o'clock,

The sunlight cascading through the branches and treetops -

From the heavens to my window -

And all I can think about is the way your hair catches the sun,

The way it lays on your neck when you sleep, rising and falling

With each breath.

All I can think about is the way your voice sounds,

The way your breath feels warm and soft on my neck,

And I wish you'd whisper your first words to me when you wake.

In sleepless delirium I saw you here, but I lay alone.

When I rise - sleep clinging to me like static electricity -

The overwhelming sense of gravity offers much-needed lucidity.

Here, on this wintry Saturday morning, somewhere in the midst of suburbia,

Standing half-naked, half-awake, still transcending romance and reality

Like a dreamer set loose in 'real life.'

I see that there's something different about you, something that I can't quite

Put my finger on, something into which I'd desperately like to lose myself,

Disappear.

So much.

So much has happened lately, but I find myself with no ambition to write about it all. That happens to me, I've noticed. I've probably had a total of.. five online journals? I'll be really good about keeping up with them for a while, but then I just get tired of updating, so I just stop. I wish I didn't do that. I've also had three actual journals that I get halfway through and then just stop writing in them. Hrmm.




Well. Knox told me that he likes me a lot. And while I do enjoy hanging out with him, and the snuggles we have sometimes... I dunno. It's just not for me?

Mike. I obviously still like him, quite a bit. And things with us seem to be going really well.

Though I'll admit. It's nice to hear from someone what they like about me, and compliment me on the little things, and just say amazing things to me.

But Mike does that too, in his own way. He may not always come right out and say it, but he'll show me somehow.





Day by day.






Work isn't going so well, and it's frustrating. Danielle and I aren't speaking to each other, and my boss Dawn won't even call me back when I need to talk with her about important issues at work. As much as I love this job right now.. I think I'm going to start looking for another job. I just can't bring myself to work at a place where I'm feeling frustrated every single day and feeling under-appreciated.



That's all for now I guess.

Happy New Year

I have to say, last night was even better than I had hoped it would be. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, feeling happier than I have in quite some time. (The past four or five days not included.)

My new year's resolution has to do with things within myself. Feelings, behavior, etc.

I spent my evening in Franklin, with a great number of wonderful people at the Cawley residence. I almost polished off my entire bottle of vodka, with a little help from a few people. haha. There were a record number of 9 people that threw up last night, myself included. But my incident was over quickly and I was back out there looking for my drink. : ]

I'm a little ashamed to say I fell victim to drunk-texting. Some of the things I sent... I have no idea what I was trying to say to someone!

All in all, a wonderful night.




The past few days have been great as well. Late Thursday night I ventured over to Mike's to hang out for a while. Things are different with us right now and it seems really good. I wound up staying there until 4am. Friday night he took me out.. we went bowling, had some tbell, and ended the evening at his house watching Planet Earth. I stayed over, and the next morning I realized I had work at 8am. That was fun. Saturday night we got together again. Christina came over and we hammered out I think 50 or so t-shirts and enjoyed some Chinese food. We all hung out until a little after 2am, and then Christina left. I stayed over, again. Sunday we woke up late, hammered out more t-shirts, and I went home around ten. Yesterday he picked me up in the afternoon, we ate some lunch, and finished up the last of the t-shirts. (Thank god, because I was getting sick of looking at t-shirts and screens and ink!) We parted ways and wished each other a safe and fun evening, and then later wished a happy new year to each other again after midnight.

Let's keep in mind that each hangout and stay-over was initiated by him.

But I still do now know where this leaves us. I am not making any assumptions. I am just going to see how things continue to go. I might bring it up a little tonight when I see him, but I'm not sure.

Sometimes I just wish I knew what people were thinking and feeling. Even though sometimes you can just tell, there are those times where you just haven't the slightest.